I thought God wanted me to pretend my abuser was honorable. But deep in my heart, I knew this couldn’t be true. When the Bible spoke of honoring your parents, I thought God wanted me to pretend my abuser was honorable. As a result of the abuse I had experienced, when our pastor preached on forgiveness, I thought he was telling me to accept abuse. The abuser takes a godly word or concept and, usually over time and through teaching, warps the meaning. This is spiritual abuse-a type of psychological abuse. And we were repeatedly warned not to “gossip,” which meant telling anyone the truth. “Honor your father” meant obey him, even when you’re terrified he might kill you. “Forgive” meant pretend you’re happy, even when you’re covered in bruises. In our family, I was taught to honor my father and mother, forgive others, and not gossip, but homes warped by abuse have their own language. In private, he could go from studying Louis Berkhof to beating his daughter in a heartbeat. In public, he was intelligent and composed. My dad had a PhD and taught adult Sunday school. My mom homeschooled us and led children’s worship. We faithfully attended congregations of the Orthodox Presbyterian Church and Presbyterian Church in America. After scowling at me for what felt like eternity, he went back into his room. I reasoned he must have gone to get his gun and found the case empty. Sure enough, he came out and glared at me. He went to his bedroom, and I waited anxiously, wondering if he’d notice. I remember thinking, At least this way, if he tries to kill us, he won’t have his gun, so some of us should get away. I positioned the empty case on the shelf to look like it hadn’t been touched, wrapped the gun in a towel, and hid it in a box in my bedroom. Soon after, while my dad was at work, I snuck into his closet and stole his. My father continued: “A man came home to find his wife and kids packing to leave him, so he shot them all dead, and then killed himself. This time I was 21, and we sat around the same table. The first time, I was around 11, setting the table for dinner.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
AuthorWrite something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview. ArchivesCategories |